This is an excerpt from a conversation between myself and Cherub about a third party who will remain anonymous. It is more heavily edited than the rest of the articles, and is only a small part of the whole exchange. This is mostly due to the deeply personal nature of the talk. What I have recorded here, while still personal, I think is worthy of note to anyone that's interested in gaining a little insight into the structure of my strange and twisted little mind. If you're not one of those people, then piss off.
Metaphysical Introspection, or Just Some Knee-High Bullshit
ArchAngel: The more I think about it, the more I think I should continue what I started years ago when I began severing all ties to my past life.
Fuckin' Facebook.
Cherub: That's all up to you.
ArchAngel: Well, I'm nothing if not an emotional massochist. That's why I keep this shit going.
Cherub: Thats what I was thinkin'. Sorry to drive you deep into your psychic landscape...must be a scary place, huh?
ArchAngel: I try to limit my time there, yes.
It's getting better.
Cherub: LOL.
ArchAngel: The surface area's great now, not necessarily sunshiny, but what I consider pleasant. It's the deeper regions that will never be tamed. Areas that are more memory and fact than anything else. Buried monsters and whatnot. You can change as much as you have the power to, but the way things were is always there. The best you can do with that is weaken it by acknowledging it but not succumbing to it.
Cherub: Wow...deep, Angel...really deep... You're bringin' a tear to my eye.
ArchAngel: Fuck off.
Cherub: Haha...I knew I'd get that. Nah, seriously I like that...I'll have to remember that when shit gets to me.
ArchAngel: Hey, I'm a veritable font of wisdom. The problem's always the application. I know me very well. It helps me a lot. Haven't figure out how to translate that into helping others effectively yet though.
Cherub: Well, sayin' that is a start.
ArchAngel: What I think may be unhealthy in my case is that I like to vacation in those areas a lot, to go hang out there, roll around in the mental mud.
Cherub: Yeah, that can be unhealthy... Sometimes you just need to go to your other places.
ArchAngel: What I can't figure out is why. Does my ego need that for sustenance, to see the difference between then and now, so it can be satisfied with itself? Is it out of a sense of longing, wanting to have the rigid, unforgiving strength I had when I was like that?
Or do I really just enjoy picking at memory scabs?
Cherub: Well...thinkin' that way...does doing so really satisfy it? As for the unforgiving strength...seems like you may regret it at times when it's brought up.
ArchAngel: Regret giving it up, you mean? Or being that way in the first place?
Cherub: Being that way in the first place... But all and all it may just be picking at memory scabs.
The way you said earlier when thinking about [redacted]... You wished you'd done more. Well, if you still had that unforgiving strength you wouldn't feel that way. So, which would you rather have, that unforgiving strength where you would have just given up, or the kind of strength you have now that leaves you feeling this way, wishing you would have done more?
ArchAngel: I didn't say I wished I'd done more, I said I could've. And ultimately, I tend to be very self-serving. In a pinch, I'd probably take the old unforgiving strength, because then I wouldn't care. Her worth as a person doesn't concern me as much as my own frustration at not being as amazing as I expect myself to be.
Cherub: Well, thinkin' that you "could've" kinda means you wished, at least to me... And even the "amazing" have doubts
ArchAngel: "Wished" infers a whole different set of emotions. "Could've" can be a logical reviewing of a past situation. And still, if I were the heartless person I was, this wouldn't be an issue at all! It creates a kind of paradox.
Therein is the problem.
I long for the simplicity of not caring, being heartless, but I only long because I'm not that way anymore. If I was that way, I wouldn't long for anything else, I'd enjoy systematically destroying anything I came into contact with, because the destruction of both things I am and things I am not made me feel better. It was an empty life, but one devoid of most kinds of pain.
The person I am now revels in those kinds of pain, but isn't quite sure why. I know academically why acknowledging that pain is good as well as necessary, but acknowledging and building a summer home in the middle of pain plaza are completely different.
Cherub: You're finally becoming human, LOL. Life. It's almost kinda of pointless without that pain. You don't realize what you're missing out on and etc. Life is pain, period, to deny yourself of it is to not live it. Life is full of it. And I'm glad you've changed...it's, hmm...I really don't know how to say it... You're perplexed now, but in away you're liking this new complication of things and working them out... It gives you new things to think about and contemplate.
ArchAngel: You're going over stuff I figured out years ago.
Cherub: LOL... Well still, it's true. Anyways, I need to hit the sack soon...long day ahead tomorrow.
ArchAngel: Fine. Be that way. I'm delving into life's mysteries, and you have droopy eyes.
Cherub: LOL... Give me a break. Fine...a little longer.
ArchAngel: Now you've broken the train. I was getting ready to verbally lash you for presenting such sophomoric explanations about the way I think.
Cherub: Blah blah blah...
ArchAngel: Whatever. I expect more from you. LIVE UP TO MY UNREALISTIC EXPLANATIONS!!
Cherub: SO SORRY! I'LL TRY! Damn, can't even live up to my parent's and you expect me to live up to yours...geez... I can't fuckin' win.
ArchAngel: If it makes you feel any better, your parents standards are totally void for two reasons:
One, they aren't mine, and to contradict me is the same as being wrong.
Cherub: LOL
ArchAngel: Two, just as you will always see your parents as your two-dimensional mental projection of them, they see you the same way.
Fuckin' Facebook.
Cherub: That's all up to you.
ArchAngel: Well, I'm nothing if not an emotional massochist. That's why I keep this shit going.
Cherub: Thats what I was thinkin'. Sorry to drive you deep into your psychic landscape...must be a scary place, huh?
ArchAngel: I try to limit my time there, yes.
It's getting better.
Cherub: LOL.
ArchAngel: The surface area's great now, not necessarily sunshiny, but what I consider pleasant. It's the deeper regions that will never be tamed. Areas that are more memory and fact than anything else. Buried monsters and whatnot. You can change as much as you have the power to, but the way things were is always there. The best you can do with that is weaken it by acknowledging it but not succumbing to it.
Cherub: Wow...deep, Angel...really deep... You're bringin' a tear to my eye.
ArchAngel: Fuck off.
Cherub: Haha...I knew I'd get that. Nah, seriously I like that...I'll have to remember that when shit gets to me.
ArchAngel: Hey, I'm a veritable font of wisdom. The problem's always the application. I know me very well. It helps me a lot. Haven't figure out how to translate that into helping others effectively yet though.
Cherub: Well, sayin' that is a start.
ArchAngel: What I think may be unhealthy in my case is that I like to vacation in those areas a lot, to go hang out there, roll around in the mental mud.
Cherub: Yeah, that can be unhealthy... Sometimes you just need to go to your other places.
ArchAngel: What I can't figure out is why. Does my ego need that for sustenance, to see the difference between then and now, so it can be satisfied with itself? Is it out of a sense of longing, wanting to have the rigid, unforgiving strength I had when I was like that?
Or do I really just enjoy picking at memory scabs?
Cherub: Well...thinkin' that way...does doing so really satisfy it? As for the unforgiving strength...seems like you may regret it at times when it's brought up.
ArchAngel: Regret giving it up, you mean? Or being that way in the first place?
Cherub: Being that way in the first place... But all and all it may just be picking at memory scabs.
The way you said earlier when thinking about [redacted]... You wished you'd done more. Well, if you still had that unforgiving strength you wouldn't feel that way. So, which would you rather have, that unforgiving strength where you would have just given up, or the kind of strength you have now that leaves you feeling this way, wishing you would have done more?
ArchAngel: I didn't say I wished I'd done more, I said I could've. And ultimately, I tend to be very self-serving. In a pinch, I'd probably take the old unforgiving strength, because then I wouldn't care. Her worth as a person doesn't concern me as much as my own frustration at not being as amazing as I expect myself to be.
Cherub: Well, thinkin' that you "could've" kinda means you wished, at least to me... And even the "amazing" have doubts
ArchAngel: "Wished" infers a whole different set of emotions. "Could've" can be a logical reviewing of a past situation. And still, if I were the heartless person I was, this wouldn't be an issue at all! It creates a kind of paradox.
Therein is the problem.
I long for the simplicity of not caring, being heartless, but I only long because I'm not that way anymore. If I was that way, I wouldn't long for anything else, I'd enjoy systematically destroying anything I came into contact with, because the destruction of both things I am and things I am not made me feel better. It was an empty life, but one devoid of most kinds of pain.
The person I am now revels in those kinds of pain, but isn't quite sure why. I know academically why acknowledging that pain is good as well as necessary, but acknowledging and building a summer home in the middle of pain plaza are completely different.
Cherub: You're finally becoming human, LOL. Life. It's almost kinda of pointless without that pain. You don't realize what you're missing out on and etc. Life is pain, period, to deny yourself of it is to not live it. Life is full of it. And I'm glad you've changed...it's, hmm...I really don't know how to say it... You're perplexed now, but in away you're liking this new complication of things and working them out... It gives you new things to think about and contemplate.
ArchAngel: You're going over stuff I figured out years ago.
Cherub: LOL... Well still, it's true. Anyways, I need to hit the sack soon...long day ahead tomorrow.
ArchAngel: Fine. Be that way. I'm delving into life's mysteries, and you have droopy eyes.
Cherub: LOL... Give me a break. Fine...a little longer.
ArchAngel: Now you've broken the train. I was getting ready to verbally lash you for presenting such sophomoric explanations about the way I think.
Cherub: Blah blah blah...
ArchAngel: Whatever. I expect more from you. LIVE UP TO MY UNREALISTIC EXPLANATIONS!!
Cherub: SO SORRY! I'LL TRY! Damn, can't even live up to my parent's and you expect me to live up to yours...geez... I can't fuckin' win.
ArchAngel: If it makes you feel any better, your parents standards are totally void for two reasons:
One, they aren't mine, and to contradict me is the same as being wrong.
Cherub: LOL
ArchAngel: Two, just as you will always see your parents as your two-dimensional mental projection of them, they see you the same way.
That last statement leads into a fundamental element of what I've been referring to as the Rules of Humanics, and I haven't given this particular aspect a name yet. Don't worry though, I'm sure to start posting that stuff up here sooner or later too.